Early Bonding Rules
Terry W. Reese • May 30, 2019
Debra Wesselmann, MS, LIMHP created a list of early bonding rules that I sometimes use in EMDR work.
Bonding rules may have been effective in helping us function at a particular place in time can be ineffective in our relationships today. I like to ask a client to circle which maladaptive rules stand out for them and then circle the alternative.
Maladaptive Early Bonding Rules (NCs)
I must watch your face to know what you are feeling at all times.
I must change myself to make you happy with me.
I must be perfect. I must not make mistakes.
I must achieve and perform so you can feel good about yourself.
I must not make waves.
I must tolerate mistreatment.
I must not be noticed.
I must be silent.
I must take care of all my own needs. I must not ask for help.
I must not show or ask for affection.
I must not trouble you with any of my own needs or feelings.
I must not show vulnerable feelings.
I must not experience vulnerable feelings.
I must not get angry.
I must be a clown to keep you happy.
I need to be very vocal in order to get my needs met.
I must take care of your needs.
I must not let my talents shine.
I must not be successful.
I must not be happy or playful
New rules (PCs)
I can let go of watching your face.
I can decide what to change.
I can make mistakes.
I am not responsible for making you feel good about yourself.
I can disagree or make waves.
I will not tolerate mistreatment.
It’s OK for me to call attention to myself.
It’s OK for me to make noise.
I can ask for help. I can receive help.
I can show or ask for affection.
I can go to you with my feelings or needs.
I can show vulnerable feelings.
I can experience vulnerable feelings.
I can feel and express anger appropriately.
I can be entertaining when I want to be.
I can be vocal if I need to be.
I don’t have to worry about what others might need.
I can let my talents shine.
I can enjoy my successes.
I can be happy and playful. I can have fun.
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